The Comedy House Articles

Some jokes about blondes

2008-02-24T08:03:00.001-08:00

Blonde parents

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

10. The water-proof towel
9. Glow in the dark sunglasses
8. Solar powered flashlights
7. Submarine screen doors
6. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart boards
4. A dictionary index
3. Pedal powered wheel chairs
2. Water proof tea bags
1. Zero proof alchohol

New Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Yo Mama jokes!

2008-02-24T08:00:00.001-08:00

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Coworkers Naked revenge

2008-02-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

I went on a work outing with all the guys and girls from my work. We went down to the beach on a really hot day! Me and one of the other girls were eyeing up one of the guys, trying to get a glimpse of him as he changed inso swimshorts under a towel - then my friend just ran over to him and pulled off the towel, leaving him stark naked for all us girls to see! He was really embarrassed and pulled on his shorts really quick - he then walked off while we were still laughing. We walked off down the beach and layed down to sunbathe. This is when he came back! HE held both me and my friend down and pulled off our bikinis - he then pulled away our towels leaving us with nothing - totally exposed! We ran after him into crowds of people who took pictures!

The worst part was that those pictures were circulated around work!

Being Politically Incorrect..

2008-02-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

One day I woke feeling on top of the world, and with that everything just seemed a breeze.. anyway later after work I decided 'what the hell, I'll get the shopping done and save me the trip the next day'..

I was in such a good mood.. humming to myself to the speaker music and smiling at everyone..then, I came to the Milk isle..
At the fridge was this young fellow taking milk out of the half empty crates and adding them to the near full crates.. and to the side of the fridge he had neatly stacked the crates..
I said 'arn't you a good little boy' afterall he was young and I assumed he too was in a good mood and was there helping his dad.

.. he gave me an odd look and I was on my way..

Forgetting the Yakult I headed back.. this time I had a better look at him..to my shock he was a dwarf.. that was the last time I shopped there.. and to add to it.. at that point.. I wasn't in such a good mood. I just wanted to run away!

Do not fall asleep on the beach!

2008-02-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

This was super embarrassing:

My friends and I went to the beach for the fun of it, and as it was pretty hot, I fell asleep. Well, my friends and I joked around a lot and tried to embarrass each other in public. Now, I'm asleep on a towel, and so my friends get the idea to make me pee my pants. Well, they thought it was funny, and it kinda was.

So, from what they told me, they got a bucket of warm water, brought it next to me, and put my hand in it. I started peeing my pants right away! They must have got 20 pictures of me just so they could show me. I was soaked within, ummm; probably 5 minutes, and thank god I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts and briefs, or I would have killed them! My briefs(which were light blue) were bright yellow-green in two minutes, then my shorts, which were(unfortunately) white, were yellow in 2 minutes.

I got up from sleeping and they all started laughing, and I notice my shorts and briefs are heavier then usual. I looked down, saw yellow, and started laughing my ass off, too.

Then, mistakably, I fell asleep again, and they took my shorts off, too, so I had to go looking for them in yellow-green briefs(which were suppose to be blue!), and it took my a good hour before I found them, and by then, the entire beach had seen me in my briefs, so it was wicked embarrassing!!

Stand up comedy secrets

2008-02-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

Here is a great resource for stand up comedy secrets.

Stand Up Comedy

2008-02-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

Here's a 'lil info bout stand up:

A stand-up or stand-up comic is someone that performs comedy in an informal way, i.e.: talking to the audience with the absence of the theatrical "fourth wall". It is usually done by one comedian and usually with a microphone. It can be done in comedy clubs, colleges, theaters, alternative venues—almost anywhere an audience is open to comedy. The comic usually recites a fast paced succession of amusing stories, short jokes (called bits), and one-liners, typically called a monologue, routine or act. Some stand-up comedians use props, music, or magic tricks in their acts.

Many stand-up routines are similar to one man shows, with the main difference being the expectations of the audience, who, with stand-up, expect a relatively steady stream of "laughs". This in turn affects the aims of the performer, who is under great pressure to deliver those laughs. If the performer cannot coax these laughs out of the crowd, sometimes the crowd will poke fun at the comedian. This rude practice is called heckling.

Many smaller venues hold "open mic" events where amateur comedians can perform comedy before a live audience, offering a way for the performers to hone their craft and possibly break into the business. Stand-up comedy is considered difficult to master, because the stand-up comedian is at the mercy of the audience, which is an integral element of the act. An adept stand-up comedian must nimbly play off the mood and tastes of any particular audience, and adjust his or her routine accordingly. Stand-up is a comedic art form that is openly devoted to getting and receiving laughs from an audience above any other component of the form (unlike theatrical comedy, which creates comedy within the structure of a play and with character and situation). The skills attributed to being a stand-up comic are diverse; it is often necessary for a solitary stand-up comic to simultaneously assume the roles of a writer, editor, performer, promoter, producer, and technician. One test of a master stand-up comedian is the ability to not only face down a "heckler", but win over and entertain the rest of the crowd with a retort. Many stand-up comedians work for years to get 45 minutes of material, and usually perform their bits over and over, slowly perfecting them over time. Actor and comedian Will Ferrell has called stand-up comedy hard, lonely and vicious.

Some stand-up comedians achieve their own television programs or star in major motion pictures, reaching a level of mainstream success and recognition often unattainable in the comedy club circuit alone. Examples of this include Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, Bob Newhart, Bill Cosby, Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Ellen DeGeneres, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Ray Romano, Dave Chappelle and more recently Dane Cook.

In the Netherlands, a similar phenomenon is the "conference", which is similar to stand up comedy, but generally one or two hours long. The performer is called a "cabaretier", but the act is not exactly cabaret either. There is a decades long tradition of such "conferences" at New Year's Eve, started by Wim Kan. Other famous former cabaretiers are Toon Hermans and Wim Sonneveld. The most famous present cabaretier is Freek de Jonge, who, in the tradition of Wim Kan, made it a point to ridicule politicians. In 2006, he even had a political conference the night before the national elections.

Here's some history on Stand uP

2008-02-24T07:36:00.002-08:00

Stand-up comedy has its roots in various traditions of American entertainment popular in the late 19th century, ranging from vaudeville and humorist monologues (with Mark Twain a notable master) to circus clown. Most early comedians were merely viewed as "joke tellers," who warmed up the audience as an opening act, or kept the crowds entertained during intermissions. Being a comedian was often considered a stepping stone to a proper career in show business. Jokes were generally broad and (oft when not broadcast) mildly risqué, and often dwelt on stock comic themes ("mother-in-law jokes," ethnic humor). "Blue humor," or comedy that was considered indecent, was popular in many nightclubs, but working "blue" greatly limited a comedian's chance for legitimate success.

The fathers of stand up comedy were the "masters of ceremony", as they often were referred to, of the "golden age" of radio broadcasting. Jack Benny, Fred Allen, and Bob Hope all came from vaudeville and often opened their listening programs with monologues and routines. These were topical, characterized by ad-libs and discussions about anything from the latest films to a missing birthday. The programs largely were split into the opening monologue, musical number, followed by a skit or story routine. Their guests were varied and included other radio comedians of the day including Burns and Allen. A "feud" between Fred Allen and Jack Benny was used as comic material for nearly a decade.

In the late 1950s and into the 1960s, a new generation of American comedians began to explore political topics, race relations, and sexual humor. Stand-up comedy shifted from quick jokes and one-liners to monologues, often with dark humor and cutting satire. Lenny Bruce became particularly influential in pushing the boundaries of what was considered acceptable entertainment (among comedians, such "boundary pushing" dates back at least to vaudeville in a traditional joke called The Aristocrats that comedians would tell usually only to each other). African American comedians such as Redd Foxx, long relegated to segregated venues, also began to cross over to white audiences at this time.

Stand-up comedy exploded during the 1970s, with several entertainers becoming major stars based on stand-up comedy performances. Stand-up expanded from nightclubs and theaters to major concerts in sports arenas. Richard Pryor and George Carlin followed Lenny Bruce's acerbic style to become counterculture icons. Steve Martin and Bill Cosby had similar levels of success with gentler comic routines. The older style of stand-up comedy was kept alive by Rodney Dangerfield and Buddy Hackett, who enjoyed revived careers. Television programs such as Saturday Night Live and The Tonight Show launched the careers of other stand-up comedy stars.

By the 1980s, the great popularity of stand-up comedy led to a boom in stand-up comedy venues for both locally-based and touring comics in many cities. Many stand-up stars landed major television deals, and established television and film stars such as Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy, and Billy Crystal tested their comic skills with live stand-up comedy appearances. The advent of HBO (which could present comedians uncensored) and other cable channels such as Comedy Central added to the stand-up comedy boom.

By the 1990s, a glut of stand-up comedy led to its decline, as the market became somewhat flooded with comedians of varying talent levels. Established stand-up comedians still commanded top ticket prices, however, and talented new comedians were presented with many smaller venues in which to establish themselves.

Many believe that Chris Rock's stand-up career, which took off in 1996 with his hugely popular special Bring the Pain, was incredibly influential in the resurrection of stand-up comedy that took place in the second half of the 1990s. By the 2000s, comedy had enjoyed a resurgence, not only because of Rock's popularity and success, but also because of newly accessible and popular media outlets such as the internet and television channels like Comedy Central. There is currently a renaissance of sorts occurring in the comedy world, with younger comics (often between the ages of fifteen and twenty nine) finding their way on stage and becoming the norm, evolving the art form in a new direction for a new age.

In the USA, New York City is still considered by many to be the heart of the stand-up scene, with many of the young rising stars as well as the top performers regularly trying out material at the Comedy Cellar when not on the road. Caroline's on Broadway helped pioneer the "headliner club" and is still considered to be one of the top clubs in the country for headliners, with past performers including Andrew Dice Clay, Bill Hicks, Colin Quinn, Gilbert Gottfried, Mitch Hedberg, Jerry Seinfeld.

In New York City's Greenwich Village, comedy even flourishes outside of the stand-up club circuit. Theaters that are more known for sketch comedy, like the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater (UCB), as well as cabarets that do not exclusively offer any kind of comedy, like Rififi, have weekly comedy shows. The UCB Theater has "Crash Test" every Monday, hosted by Aziz Ansari. Rififi has "Invite Them Up", hosted by Bobby Tisdale and Eugene Mirman.

Some might even say these places are helping develop a new form of comedy -- alternative comedy -- which involves more character-based, surreal, or absurd humor as opposed to observations of everyday life or more polemical themes. A growing number of comics (Demetri Martin, Slovin and Allen, Andres du Bouchet), Greg Barris do not strictly get on stage and tell jokes, opting to play music or act out sketches, making their performances more similar to vaudeville than to traditional stand-up.

Los Angeles is the other major market for US stand-up comedy, being a home to much of the American entertainment industry, as well as providing stand-up comics with the greatest opportunity to branch out into television and film. The Los Angeles comedy scene consistently showcases many of the most well-known comics in the world regularly playing at major comedy venues, such as The Laugh Factory, the Hollywood Improv, and the Comedy Store. L.A.'s comedy scene is often criticized for having many comics interested in transitioning into other media, and fewer dedicated solely to stand-up as an artform. Prominent figures in the L.A. comedy scene have included Dane Cook, Kathy Griffin, Dom Irrera, Jim Carrey, Dante, Jay Leno (none of whom got their start in LA), and many others. There is a newly burgeoning comedy scene in the North Hollywood and Silverlake areas of Los Angeles, as these areas have experienced an influx of artists over the past decade as the housing costs in West Los Angeles have risen.

Although not as well recognized as New York or LA, Boston has often had a thriving comedy scene. Although they often move to New York or LA before achieving mainstream success, Boston has arguably produced as many notable stand-ups in the 90s as New York. The Comedy Connection is Boston's most notable club, though the Kowloon in Saugus, MA has also scene many greats on their way up. Notable Boston-area comics include Denis Leary, Louis C.K., Lenny Clarke, Dane Cook, Doug Stanhope, Robert Kelly, Patrice Oneal, Bill Burr, and Gary Gulman. A number of other comedians born in New Jersey and New York got their start in the clubs of Boston, including Joe Rogan, Steven Wright, and Bobcat Goldthwait. Boston can be seen as comedy's second city.

San Diego is also known in the comedy world for giving a start to many stand ups. Mark Brazil, Bobby Lee, Dat Phan, Fred Burns, Dante, Faison Love, Rene Sandoval, Jamie Foxx, Wild Willie Parsons, Anthony Ramos, and Tommy Chun all began their careers there.

At one point in the 1980's, San Francisco had nine comedy clubs running, including the Holy City Zoo, The Other Café, Cobb's Comedy Club, and The Punchline. Many comedians have spent time in San Francisco and been influenced by the liberal and intellectual atmosphere, such as Margaret Cho, Dana Carvey, Janeane Garofalo, Marc Maron, Jake Johansen, and, more recently, Rob Cantrell (of Last Comic Standing), Arj Barker, and Jim Short. San Francisco has also hosted a separate circuit of gay/queer comedy for many years at clubs like Josie's that produced Scott Cappurro, Marga Gomez, and politician Tom Ammiano.

Houston and Dallas have also produced many notable stand ups.

On television, Last Comic Standing has brought milder stand-up comedy into the homes of persons who otherwise wouldn't partake.

Outside of the United States, there is a burgeoning stand-up comedy scene in Canada, the UK, Ireland, and the Netherlands, with major comedy, film, and entertainment industry festivals occurring in all of these locations. Not only this, some comedians are using their stand-up work to make an impact on international relations or to promote peace and understanding across cultures. For example, the "Allah Made Me Funny--Official Muslim Comedy Tour" is an example of three American Muslim comedians (Preacher Moss, Azhar Usman, and Azeem) using humor generally and stand-up comedy in particular to ease tensions between Muslims and non-Muslims, promote better understanding of Muslim culture and practices, and dish out social commentary about topics related to Muslim life in America.

Stand-up comedy is the focus of three major international festivals: the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland; Just for Laughs in Montreal, Canada; the Melbourne International Comedy Festival in Melbourne, Australia; and a number of smaller comedy festivals, most prominently the Boston Comedy and Film Festival, the New York Underground Film Festival and the Cat Laughs Comedy Festival in Kilkenny, Ireland. The festival format has proven to be quite successful at attracting attention to the art form, and is often used as a scouting and proving ground by industry professionals seeking new comedic talent.

5 Tips For More Swimming Pool Fun

2008-02-24T07:36:00.001-08:00

Swimming is a wonderful exercise that can benefit anyone. If you're not fortunate enough to have your own pool, you can use your local public swimming pool, or even swim in the sea if you're reasonably close to the coast. Whatever way you do it, try to get wet often; it's good for you and lots of fun too!

1. Keep moderation in mind when you go in the pool. Begin with short period of 10 to 20 minutes. You can increase this when you gain in stamina. And don't try all the hardest strokes at first. Build up to it gently.

2. Use a quality filter for your pool. Trying to save here will only result in constant maintenance costs. It will also mean swimming in a pool that is always dirty.

3. Repair any tear in your swimming pool liner as soon as possible. If the tear is three inches or less it should repair easily. If it is larger you may have to replace the entire liner.

4. Don't allow children (or adults) to run near the pool. Running and diving into a pool is asking for trouble. Accidents can easily happen on slippery surfaces, so play safe always.

5. If you find that all your pool toy, chemicals and cleaners are becoming unmanageable, find someplace to store them. A shed or pool house near the pool is ideal. However, be careful not to store chemicals that may react with each other close together. Also make sure the room is well ventilated.

Hand mitts, paddles, swim fins, and kickboards are all ways to make your swimming more fun and challenging to provide better exercise. These days you can even swim to music by using a specially designed radio that fits into a waterproof bag. So don't just lounge around the pool all day. Use it as it is intended to be used - swim and enjoy life!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

2008-02-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.– Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.– Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.– Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.– Ricky, age 10

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers

2008-02-24T07:34:00.001-08:00

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers……………….
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”. The attendant replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,” she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “F… You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too***